The
Secretary
Story
by Sharon Paz
The
Secretary
Story
by Sharon Paz
The
Secretary
Story
by Sharon Paz
Credit:
Idea, writing, production, drawings: Sharon Paz
Editing: Sylee Gore, Clare Wigfall
Special thanks: Alma, Sydney Mello, Tami Elinav, Amnon Liberman
Supported by NEUSTART KULTUR and the Deutscher Künstlerbund
References:
Wikipedia, Berliner Zeitung, Georgia Commission on the Holocaust, Deutsche Welle, BBC, Independent, A Germany Life, A German Life by Christopher Hampton, Faber & Faber; ISBN-13: 978-0571356171, Eva Braun’s Home Movies (YouTube), The Guardian
The
Secretary
Story
by Sharon Paz
*01.dress
He told you today that he loves your dress, it’s not so special but he likes it. You also like it. You found it in a secondhand shop. The store was not especially big, it had this smell, secondhand smell. There were three suitcases and a few boxes with new arrivals next to the entrance. The top suitcase was wide open, a black dress drew your attention. You always spent a long time looking around, it’s hard to choose, but she caught you, she was made of thin, soft fabric, and the pattern, small light flowers. On the label the name “Lissy” is embroidered in a curly font. Who is Lissy? You try it on. The cut suits you. Not every cut fits you, but this one does. You don’t know who wore it before you but you can imagine her, Lissy, a blonde woman appears in your mind. You wish you were blonde. He would probably like that.
*04.soup
You know he is hiding something, he always keeps his desk drawer locked. It has already been two months since you began to work with him. Your main job is to type in the numbers. They tell you to change them, some should be bigger, some should stay low. It’s only numbers, you think. The first day was a rainy day. The sky was gray and the rain didn’t stop. Your feet got wet on the way. At lunchtime you tasted his hot soup. It was too hot, it burned your tongue. Something bothers you about that first day. You came to the office before him. He came in and greeted everyone politely, stepped into his room, and closed the big door quickly behind him.
*03.door
The door made no sound, built out of the best heavy dark wood. The handle was golden and shiny, and it seemed to be very well kept. It was very old, carrying years of hard work, opening and closing quietly, letting some people in, stopping others. It was very selective, just like him.
*20.bloodstain
You walk into his office, it is a mess, you look around, for a second you don’t see it but then you do. It is thick deep dark red, it is a bloodstain, a strong, heavy smell gets to you now. You saw it once already, on your uncle’s farm. You were twelve, a wild pig that was shot by your uncle, the same color and the same smell. The stain was on the rug next to the sofa. The sofa you once sat on, the rug you stepped on many times. Your parents had a very similar sofa with a similar small light flower pattern. You think of your family, your parents, your uncle, wondering where they are now, how they are. He is dead, his dog is dead, his wife too.
*17.scarf
His new wife gives you her pink chiffon scarf. She didn’t say anything. She gave it to you and you know in that moment it is the end. The end for her, but is it also for you? You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to worry. You observe her. You see all the small details around, they put out the extra nice porcelain teacups with the gold line that they were used only for special occasions. It is a special occasion now. You do not feel thirsty at all but it would be impolite to refuse so you accept. You put in a sugar cube to make it sweet, you take a quick sip, the tea burns your tongue, just like on that first day.
*18.capsule
They give you the capsule. They give it to everyone around just in case. What will happen if you decide to take it? They say you will feel no pain, that it is like going to sleep. The capsule is now in your pocket close to your heart. When will be the right moment to take it? Will you know? You hope this moment never comes, you are scared. It gets dark so quickly now and the sky is grey. It has been a week now since you saw the blue sky. You feel cold and try to think about something else, something warm, the tea party.
*16.tea party
You become closer to him. You are invited to a tea party, a selection of important people arrive, you feel important, you feel like you are part of this group, a special group. You are happy. It is a difficult time for many people, for the ones who are not invited, but you are invited and you don’t really care about the others. You feel good, you laugh, you meet other people that laugh with you and drink tea. It is a sweet warm moment that you will remember for many years.
*19.uniforms
You need to wear uniforms now, they feel weird. You have never worn a beret, a black one, so ugly. How is this thing supposed to stay on your head? You feel like a clown wearing a ridiculous costume. You hate looking like everyone else, your own identity fades away along with your favorite colors. After some time, you get used to it, what else can you do? You make his appointments, coffee, you sort his letters, important or not, the secret ones are on top. Yesterday when you brought his mail and placed it on the corner of his desk, you felt his hand touching your waist softly, you jumped, then you heard him say, you must iron your skirts better. Yes sir, you answer softly.
*15.office
You grew up in a small village, surrounded by animals. When you turned eighteen, you left home to come work in the city without your parents’ permission. This was the first time in your life you did something so bold and now you are here on your own. The office becomes your new home, your new family. You are allowed to come see him speak, he does it very well, you love to hear the crowd cheering for him, you feel proud. Even after they lost, his powerful speech convinced the crowd they didn’t.
*11.dog
In the mountain retreat, they keep some rabbits and a few dogs. He and his wife love animals, she likes the two small ones, black fluffy terriers, his favorite one is a big, beautiful German shepherd. He does not consider himself to be a warm person but he often pets his dog, putting his face close, allowing the dog to lick him. The dog loves him back, it gets good food and is treated well. Once, when you visit them, the dog jumps at you, you were surprised, it pushes you to the floor, you are hurt, you want to cry, to shout at the dog but you stop yourself, you hesitate, you know it is not the right reaction, he loves the dog, instead you make yourself laugh, silly dog, sure Blondi didn’t mean to harm you.
*09.tea
He loves tea. He drinks tea with milk every afternoon and sometimes he invites you to join. A pretty young man wearing a clean, white uniforms is serving the tea in a white porcelain tea set. The cups are shining with a gold line. It is the finest imported tea, you follow him, and ask for a drop of milk and two sugars please. Your lips slowly touch the gold line, the warm, hard, smooth feel of the cup awakens you. Next week you will break one of the cups by accident, it will be very hot and you will not be so careful. You will lose several of your free days. But you will not care so much because you love working, being his secretary.
*07.fire
When you are both alone in the office, you catch him looking at your breasts. You wonder if you are special to him or just one of many. You of course know the truth but you prefer the illusion, the big lie, it’s much more pleasant. You are much younger than him, but it does not bother you. He is a man, you are a woman, you know exactly what he wants, playing with fire, the match gets shorter and shorter till it burns your fingers, it hurts.
*08.cake
No one is allowed to smoke around him and he is vegetarian. How can a man like him be a vegetarian? He has the senses of a hunter, an officer, a man who can give the order to kill without thinking twice. You think it is a strange choice. You like meat, you don’t really like the thought of killing an animal, but you are egotistical enough to easily push away the cruel images of the poor animals suffering and just enjoy a well-cooked piece of meat. You follow his eating patterns, it is very reduced, no fat, whole grain, not too much sugar. You know that, away from everyone, he secretly eats a piece of cake every night just before going to bed. It's a freshly baked apple cake with cream, just like the one his mother used to make on special occasions. It is his little secret, his sin.
*05.home
Your father decided to leave when you were five years old. He was working in a car factory, lost his job and could not find a new one, so he moved to Turkey. Your mother decided not to join him so they divorced. She decided that you will move to live with your grandfather in a small town and he decided to send you to join the girls’ youth organization, so you can feel a sense of belonging. When you finish school, your mother decides to send you to learn a practical thing, you learn to type. You don’t feel you are especially good at anything. You are not very ambitious, you don’t know what you would like to do or be. You decide to leave home and go to the big city on your own. It is your first decision.
*10.boots
You imagine stepping into his shoes, or more into his heavy black boots, they are really big. You hear his voice talking, I see you, what a great smell, is it a new perfume? You want him to ask, And the dress, is it new? He touched your shoulder passing by, you missed a button, you were surprised but didn’t say anything, pretended it didn’t happen.
Two years later, he takes you with him to a new place. The sun rises and sets again, but down in the cave with the wolves, the walls are too thick, you don’t hear or see him. You hear rumors that someone got too close to him, you are worried. They ask you to taste his food before he eats it. You know you can’t refuse because it is not a question, it is an order. Your life is much less precious than his. You are just a simple girl. Not like him, not like his dog, not like his door.
*06.glasses
Never show weakness, he tells you. He reads using a magnifying glass, he refuses to wear glasses, hiding his weak eyes. Once at school she was talking to you, the girl next to you, the teacher sat the two of you together in the last row. You lived on the same street and walked home from school together. It wasn’t a long way but still you became friends, at least she felt so. She could not see what was written on the blackboard and she asked for your help. It was not the first time and today you didn’t feel like helping her, you were hashing her and the teacher noticed, stood up, and shouted at her. She wanted to explain but then started to cry, she felt helpless. The next day, the teacher moved her to the first row, and a week later she came to class with new glasses. You continue to be friends for some time, later you will see her walking and you will cross the street to avoid her.
*13.lollipop
He is a handsome man, not too tall but he dresses very well, elegant, his skin is a bit tanned, he has beautiful clean hands and nails. He never screamed at you, except one time. He has a big family, his kids come to visit him, they are well educated, obeying him, they stand in a row, they have something similar to him but you can’t point out what it is. He gives each of them one candy, a red lollipop, their eyes are happy as they wait to get his permission to open it now. You would also like to get a candy but he doesn’t give you one. You are not them.
*14.carpet beater
People are not aware of the way you were educated. Your father carried trauma, he had to change his name in order to escape. He grew up in fear and this fear also stays with you. He used to hit you and your brother with a carpet beater. It was painful not to obey him. It is a strong feeling of duty you grew up with. He is much nicer than your father, he is kind, you secretly wish he was your father.
*12.words
The days pass quickly, you learn to type faster, you can read what you are typing but you choose not to, you choose to float above the surface and just try your best to type fast so he will appreciate you. In your mind, you organize the words that you see in a different order, they become poems and not instructions, suggestions instead of orders. With time you become braver and dare to correct a word you think will be better than what he wrote. Then there are those dense days, when you cannot stop to think, you just do. You are the type of person who obeys, you are not the type to object, you like rules, you like when everything is clear. You will not say I can't do it anymore. You are a coward. You cannot leave. Some people say I would act differently, I would not take part, I would not obey, but you say no, you could not, no one could, only if they wished to risk their life.
*02.desk
That first day, everything is new, exciting, new faces around, divided into two big rooms. The one sitting to your left is older. She opened the door when you came in and showed you your place. She types fast, her hair is dark, she looks familiar. The one sitting on the opposite desk is chatty, she laughs when she talks on the phone, she has deep blue eyes, you would like her to be your friend. You would like them all to like you and especially him. It bothers you that he did not notice you. You want to feel important, like everyone around him. Later, on his last day, you will be one of the last people who saw him, you are important to him.
Footnotes:
*01. #Lissy Edler, born in 1901, was fascinated by painting, theater, and dance, as well as by the new styles that were flourishing in Weimar-era Berlin. She was first hired by B.Z. am Mittag newspaper as an illustrator for its daily fashion section. She then became a top designer for large companies like the renowned label Löb & Levy at Krausenstraße 38/39. Fearing persecution by the Nazis, Edler fled Berlin for London in 1936 and changed her name to Alice Newman.
07. #BIG LIE / this is not a hat
“If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”
This supposed quotation from Joseph Goebbels has been repeated in numerous books and articles and on thousands of web pages, yet none of them have cited a primary source. According to the research and reasoning of Randall Bytwerk, it is an unlikely thing for Goebbels to have said.
*08. Dr. August Oetker KG company chief, Kaselowsky joined the Nazi Party (NSDAP) shortly after Adolf Hitler seized power in 1933. He made large financial donations to Heinrich Himmler, leader of the SS organization. Rudolf-August Oetker, his stepson and successor, also had no qualms about the Nazi leadership: in 1941, he volunteered to join the Waffen-SS, the armed wing of the party that also provided guards for the concentration camps. According to the study, Dr. Oetker also employed forced laborers, though not in the main production facilities.
*10. Margot Wölk was a German secretary who was among fifteen young women whom, in 1942, were selected to taste German leader Adolf Hitler’s food at the Wolf’s Lair in East Prussia for two and a half years to confirm that it was safe. She was the only one of the fifteen to survive World War II, and her background as Hitler’s food taster was not revealed until a newspaper interview on her ninety-fifth birthday in December 2012.
*11. Blondi, Hitler’s pet. He tested the cyanide capsules he later consumed to commit suicide on her, and she died as a result.
*13. The Goebbels children were the five daughters and one son born to Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels and his wife Magda Goebbels. The children, born between 1932 and 1940, were murdered by their parents in Berlin on 1 May 1945, the day both parents committed suicide.
*15. Brunhilde Pomsel was a personal secretary to Joseph Goebbels, the Reich Minister of Propaganda of Nazi Germany. She started work at the ministry's offices in the Ordenspalais opposite the Reich Chancellery in Berlin in 1942. In 2016, aged 105, she gave a series of interviews for a film documentary entitled A German Life, in which she discusses "her lack of remorse and the private side of her monstrous boss".
Military Beret, Berets were first used as headgear with military uniform in some European countries during the nineteenth century, and since the mid-twentieth century have been a component of the uniforms of many armed forces across the world.
*18. Gertraud "Traudl" Junge was a German editor who worked as Adolf Hitler's last private secretary from December 1942 to April 1945. After typing Hitler's will, she remained in the Berlin Führerbunker until his death.
*20. Gerda Daranowski nicknamed "Dara", began working for Hitler in 1937 after his secretaries Johanna Wolf and Christa Schroeder had complained about having too much work.
Downfall Characters, Females, Major Characters, Surviving characters
Gerda Christian- “Why...(sob) won't...(sob) he...(sob) stop... (sob) ranting?” ― crying in the Original Bunker Scene.
Credit:
Idea, writing, production, drawings: Sharon Paz
Editing: Sylee Gore, Clare Wigfall
Special thanks: Alma, Sydney Mello, Tami Elinav, Amnon Liberman
Supported by NEUSTART KULTUR and the Deutscher Künstlerbund
References:
Wikipedia, Berliner Zeitung, Georgia Commission on the Holocaust, Deutsche Welle, BBC, Independent, A Germany Life, A German Life by Christopher Hampton, Faber & Faber; ISBN-13: 978-0571356171, Eva Braun’s Home Movies (YouTube), The Guardian